Balance

While we’re talking about “normal,” let me share one of my odd quirks. One of many, I can assure you.

I have a huge need for balance in my life. And a sense of balance is not always achieved by simply “staying in the middle.” Thus, one extreme must be matched by an equal and opposite other extreme, or else I feel… unbalanced. My Beast Squad Leader made us recite a squad motto of “Moderation is the key!” I took this motto to heart and, in fact, am an advocate of a slightly different take on moderation: “Moderation in everything, to include moderation.”

Thus, if – or when – I am called on to do or be something that is, to me, an extreme, I feel a huge need to balance it in some way by going in the complete opposite direction.

A prime example would be my wardrobe for the past week.

This week marked the first week of classes for the Fall Term at the university where I am a librarian. It also marked my university teaching debut. Sure, I have given presentations and classes before, but I have never taught a college course before. This term I am one of the instructors for the core Information Literacy course that is taught to all incoming freshmen, and I will be teaching four sections, or about 140-150 students.

I really wanted to make a good impression on our first day of class. I wanted to come across as professional and serious and respectful of my students. Thus, I decided to dress more formally and professionally than we librarians usually do in the academic library setting. Normally, we wear kind of business casual, or even more relaxed than that. While teaching my first classes of the term, I decided to wear a suit. I wanted to look smart and professional. In essence, I wanted to be a grown up.

I taught classes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. And on each day I wore a different suit. That pretty much exhausted my suit repertoire, which I had acquired gradually over the past year or so by taking advantage of massive end of season sales. I mean, I am a librarian; we don’t make tons of money. Plus, I was starting from scratch. As a former full-time, stay-at-home mom, I really didn’t need a lot of business suits. And even though I was a senior Army wife for quite a few years, the dressing up that military wife meetings and Army functions required was usually either “Sunday best” or ball gowns. There was no real need for the business or professional look.

If I say so myself, the suits I wore this past week looked sharp. I am not so sure about the person wearing them, but the suits themselves were tailored and classic-looking: slacks with matching jacket and nice blouse. I even wore panty hose (albeit knee highs), which I LOATHE with a passion, and nice shoes. While I got lots of compliments on these suits, I also got a lot of ribbing from my co-workers because I usually dress far more casually. But the suits did make me “feel” more professional and more… grown up. And that affected my persona as I was standing up in front of a class of 35-40 freshmen in a positive way. It helped me exude what I imagined to be the right mix of professionalism and authority to go along with my natural sarcastic, quirky sense of humor.

The hitch with wearing more formal attire is that I can only stand it for so long. It feels so… unnatural. Perhaps it is because I am simply not used to wearing business suits to work – and thank God I am not a man and do not have to wear a tie! Or perhaps it is because I am not by nature a very formal person.

I am naturally more casual, more relaxed and laid back – in the way I dress, not in what is going on inside my head. (“Angst” could be my middle name!)

In order to maintain a sense of equilibrium this week, I had to balance out the wearing of the suits on one day by wearing something WAY more casual the next:

DAY 1 – navy seersucker suit with white blouse

DAY 2 – blue jean skirt, t-shirt, LL Bean cotton knitted vest

DAY 3 – beige suit with pink blouse

DAY 4 – blue madras plaid Lands’ End sundress that has to be at least 10 years old and has a tiny magic marker stain on it, t-shirt, and sandals

DAY 5 – white suit with black and white print blouse and red pumps

I can – and did! -- dress formally and appear more business-like and professional on my teaching days. I can do pretty much anything demanded of me for a limited amount of time. But often at a cost. Wearing business suits for three days took a huge toll on my psyche. Dressing in suits makes me feel self-conscious and ill at ease. To counter this, I had to go completely the opposite direction on non-teaching days. Just kind of let it all hang out with loose-fitting, très casual wear. It made me feel more “balanced” somehow.

I know that makes absolutely no sense logically. Or rationally. But we are not talking about logic and reason here. We are talking about feelings. It made me FEEL better to wear really casual clothes on the days after the business suits. And the feelings were genuine.

I suppose the person on the inside stayed the same throughout the week. She was just more comfortable on some days than on others. Basically, I saw it as dressing for different roles or purposes within my same job. I still approached how I actually did the job in the same basic ways.

I suppose I shouldn’t care so much about clothes. In general, I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about clothes. I like to look professional, sure, but I also like to wear clothes that are comfortable and functional and casual. I think society expects us to dress differently for different occasions or purposes. At the same time, no one told me to wear a suit; I just chose to do so because I felt it was the right thing to do and served a certain purpose. For me.

I wouldn’t want to wear a suit every day.

Maybe I would get used to it.

But I doubt it.

Today I am wearing faded, grubby old jeans and a well-worn t-shirt.

Feels like heaven….