Burning candles
“My candle burns at both ends
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light.”
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "A Few Figs from Thistles," 1920
If it is at all possible, I think my candle is burning from the middle towards the ends.
I realize that Edna St. Vincent Millay, wild party woman of the Roaring Twenties that she was, was making a very astute comment about living life to its fullest, albeit perhaps not in the wisest of ways.
I find myself in mid-life living life to its fullest, in the “my days couldn’t possibly be filled with anything more for me to do” sense. I am not sure whether this is good or bad, but it is definitely the way it is. With no change in sight any time soon.
Because I am someone who believes in moderation and who craves time to think and read and process what goes on in my life, I am not too wild and crazy about living life in the fast lane.
I am, quite simply, not one who “feels the need for speed.” Thus, I far prefer cross country skiing to downhill, for example.
As a single mom working full time with two active teenaged sons, I find that most of my days are spent on black diamond runs, however.
I do not “come home from work.”
I merely transition from one job to the next.
With two kids playing sports, our family often does not have dinner until 8:30 or 9:00 at night. On Friday or Saturday nights, after a football game, we might not eat until almost midnight. We DO eat together as a family, however, and for that I am quite thankful.
I find that I must be a master scheduler, planner, and juggler. My calendar looks like a road map of Germany. Thank God for cell phones so I can keep tabs on my kids and when they need to be picked up. Thank God my mother lives here and can act as chauffeur while I am still at work.
I am constantly on the go from about 6 am until midnight. I am not sure when exactly I am supposed to lead my life. But I guess this is my life.
I am not unhappy with it. I love being a mom, I am happy to see my kids busy and active and doing what they feel passionate about, and I love my job as a librarian. I am thankful that I can earn my pay, as meager as it might be, to support my family by doing something that I feel so passionate about.
At the same time, I am a limited resource. I cannot be in two places at once. I spend a great deal of my time going from Point A to Point B to Point C, taking my kids somewhere, watching them practice or play, or picking them up. For someone who might never watch football if left to my own devices, I find that football figures in my life seven days a week! That was a stunning revelation which hit me just the other day.
Don’t get me wrong, I love supporting my kids and cheering them on and watching them do what they love to do. But it does take up a lot of time.
And then there is all of the volunteering and fundraising that parents are expected to do to help support a team or organization. I feel it is only fair that all the parents pitch in to help, but it is hard to do sometimes.
I am not sure what part of the day I am supposed to take to think.
Maybe most people just don’t think. I am not sure when they would have the time to do so.
I am fortunate in that I don’t have to be to work until 10 am. Thus, I can get my kids up and off to school and still have time to go to the gym. My passion is swimming. I think of it as “physical therapy for the mind.” I love the solitude of swimming laps, where I can lose myself in my own thoughts and worries and fantasies for thirty minutes while my middle-aged body gets a great workout that doesn’t stress all those aging joints. And I don’t have to worry about traffic or being hit by a car. I can be alone with my thoughts, no distractions.
I have to admit, I don’t much like it when the pool is crowded and I have to share a lap lane. It is not so much that I am a selfish person – I willingly tell people to join me in my lane if there is nowhere else for them to swim. Of course, part of that willingness has to do with my hope that others will return the favor to me if I find myself arriving to a full pool. If given my druthers, though, I prefer to have a lane all to myself. I don’t think that is selfish, I think it is honest.
The only time I truly don’t mind sharing a lap lane is when my kids come swimming with me. We swim laps and hold mini races and have a great time together. Plus, I know that we are taking up a lane and no strangers will join us. When you are swimming alone, there is always that fear that the lanes will fill up and someone will ask to join you. Not that I would ever, ever say no.
I think what I dislike most about my days is the constant rushing around. There is no time to sit and relax and drink a cup of coffee and read the paper, for example. A simple pleasure of life. I need time in my life to process all that is going on – in my life, in the world, in life in general. But the world doesn’t stop for anyone.
There is no time to talk with co-workers and friends for more than a few brief moments here and there. I miss having lengthy conversations with friends. The ability to sit around for an hour or so in the evening over a glass of wine and good conversation would be priceless.
To talk with my own children, I have to take advantage of all those times where we are going to or fro. I also plan times for us to take walks together or they will come to the grocery store with me or to run errands.
We can never let our lives become so hectic that we lose our connections, our connecting. So much of life’s meaning comes from our everyday interactions with family and friends.
I am not meant to lead life on a highway during rush hour. I am meant to meander on a country road during the height of autumn, take long walks down the road less traveled, and cross country ski on a trail through the woods.
Right now, I don’t have much choice or say-so on the type of road I must traverse on a daily basis. But this afternoon I am going to go for a long walk through the woods on a glorious early fall day. Literally. Maybe my kids will even come with me. And somewhere in there I will fit in all the laundry, grocery shopping, bill paying, cooking, and cleaning.
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light.”
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "A Few Figs from Thistles," 1920
If it is at all possible, I think my candle is burning from the middle towards the ends.
I realize that Edna St. Vincent Millay, wild party woman of the Roaring Twenties that she was, was making a very astute comment about living life to its fullest, albeit perhaps not in the wisest of ways.
I find myself in mid-life living life to its fullest, in the “my days couldn’t possibly be filled with anything more for me to do” sense. I am not sure whether this is good or bad, but it is definitely the way it is. With no change in sight any time soon.
Because I am someone who believes in moderation and who craves time to think and read and process what goes on in my life, I am not too wild and crazy about living life in the fast lane.
I am, quite simply, not one who “feels the need for speed.” Thus, I far prefer cross country skiing to downhill, for example.
As a single mom working full time with two active teenaged sons, I find that most of my days are spent on black diamond runs, however.
I do not “come home from work.”
I merely transition from one job to the next.
With two kids playing sports, our family often does not have dinner until 8:30 or 9:00 at night. On Friday or Saturday nights, after a football game, we might not eat until almost midnight. We DO eat together as a family, however, and for that I am quite thankful.
I find that I must be a master scheduler, planner, and juggler. My calendar looks like a road map of Germany. Thank God for cell phones so I can keep tabs on my kids and when they need to be picked up. Thank God my mother lives here and can act as chauffeur while I am still at work.
I am constantly on the go from about 6 am until midnight. I am not sure when exactly I am supposed to lead my life. But I guess this is my life.
I am not unhappy with it. I love being a mom, I am happy to see my kids busy and active and doing what they feel passionate about, and I love my job as a librarian. I am thankful that I can earn my pay, as meager as it might be, to support my family by doing something that I feel so passionate about.
At the same time, I am a limited resource. I cannot be in two places at once. I spend a great deal of my time going from Point A to Point B to Point C, taking my kids somewhere, watching them practice or play, or picking them up. For someone who might never watch football if left to my own devices, I find that football figures in my life seven days a week! That was a stunning revelation which hit me just the other day.
Don’t get me wrong, I love supporting my kids and cheering them on and watching them do what they love to do. But it does take up a lot of time.
And then there is all of the volunteering and fundraising that parents are expected to do to help support a team or organization. I feel it is only fair that all the parents pitch in to help, but it is hard to do sometimes.
I am not sure what part of the day I am supposed to take to think.
Maybe most people just don’t think. I am not sure when they would have the time to do so.
I am fortunate in that I don’t have to be to work until 10 am. Thus, I can get my kids up and off to school and still have time to go to the gym. My passion is swimming. I think of it as “physical therapy for the mind.” I love the solitude of swimming laps, where I can lose myself in my own thoughts and worries and fantasies for thirty minutes while my middle-aged body gets a great workout that doesn’t stress all those aging joints. And I don’t have to worry about traffic or being hit by a car. I can be alone with my thoughts, no distractions.
I have to admit, I don’t much like it when the pool is crowded and I have to share a lap lane. It is not so much that I am a selfish person – I willingly tell people to join me in my lane if there is nowhere else for them to swim. Of course, part of that willingness has to do with my hope that others will return the favor to me if I find myself arriving to a full pool. If given my druthers, though, I prefer to have a lane all to myself. I don’t think that is selfish, I think it is honest.
The only time I truly don’t mind sharing a lap lane is when my kids come swimming with me. We swim laps and hold mini races and have a great time together. Plus, I know that we are taking up a lane and no strangers will join us. When you are swimming alone, there is always that fear that the lanes will fill up and someone will ask to join you. Not that I would ever, ever say no.
I think what I dislike most about my days is the constant rushing around. There is no time to sit and relax and drink a cup of coffee and read the paper, for example. A simple pleasure of life. I need time in my life to process all that is going on – in my life, in the world, in life in general. But the world doesn’t stop for anyone.
There is no time to talk with co-workers and friends for more than a few brief moments here and there. I miss having lengthy conversations with friends. The ability to sit around for an hour or so in the evening over a glass of wine and good conversation would be priceless.
To talk with my own children, I have to take advantage of all those times where we are going to or fro. I also plan times for us to take walks together or they will come to the grocery store with me or to run errands.
We can never let our lives become so hectic that we lose our connections, our connecting. So much of life’s meaning comes from our everyday interactions with family and friends.
I am not meant to lead life on a highway during rush hour. I am meant to meander on a country road during the height of autumn, take long walks down the road less traveled, and cross country ski on a trail through the woods.
Right now, I don’t have much choice or say-so on the type of road I must traverse on a daily basis. But this afternoon I am going to go for a long walk through the woods on a glorious early fall day. Literally. Maybe my kids will even come with me. And somewhere in there I will fit in all the laundry, grocery shopping, bill paying, cooking, and cleaning.
posted by delta at 11:42 AM
2 Comments:
Take heart. All things are passing.
When, all too soon, the boys are away at college you will smile in rememberance of the dinner time frenzy and drive past sports fields feeling left out.
You will invent errands and tasks in a vain attempt to convince yourself that you are still indispensable.
You will buy too much food at the grocery store, pretending to the cashier that what you cook actually matters.
You will be out with friends and realize, with a start, that you don't have any reason to hurry home.
I thought walking Primo to school every morning was going to be a pain, and figured I would probably drive him most days. But in just the four school days since kindy started, I find that that twenty-minute walk with him is one of the loveliest parts of my day. He holds my hand and talks to me and we have a great walk seeing things and talking about things and it is wonderful. I am not giving it up even when it gets cold outside.
I know what you mean about the highway...someday I will not be perpetually exhausted, or at least that is what I tell myself.
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