"Baby, you can drive my car"

My 16 year old got his learner’s permit on Friday.

He had his requisite physical on Thursday, and I had him do a couple of online DMV practice tests on Thursday night.

Make no mistake. He had the driver’s manual (which he had gotten on his sixteenth birthday back in March), and he said that he had read it and “memorized” it.

I told him that sometimes it is the format of a test that is trickier than the actual content of the questions and that sometimes tests have quirky questions.

I watched him do part of one of the online practice tests. It was on the DMV site and was supposed to be “cool” for teenagers. It had avatar-esque teens with names like Ramon, Shemika, and Jake, and each had his or her own tale of young driver woe to share. After much too much clicking and folderol, eventually you would get to the real questions of the practice test.

It was rather a gauntlet.

Even I, curmudgeonly old mom that I am, found it rather dodgy. I can only imagine how doofy real teens find it. My son didn’t really say anything negative about it, but I could tell he thought it was stupid. Basically, you had to ignore the dumbness of the site in order to take the practice test.

While teens might like cool graphics and visuals and interactive games, just give them the freaking questions all right already! Not everything in life has to be a video game.

I was glad he did the practice test, though, because some of the questions were tricky. I mean, using common sense and thirty years of driving experience, I would have gotten several questions wrong. For example, one question wanted to know the leading cause of teen driving accidents. The choices were a) inexperience, b) speed, c) distraction, and d) something else. I would have picked inexperience. The answer was speed.

Now, I would argue that speed is often a result of inexperience, but….

These questions were multiple choice, not essays. And I figured many of them were based on real life statistics, at least for the state of Pennsylvania.

We drove down to the nearest DMV on Friday morning and took a number. There were two lines and two number sources; one was for driver tests and one was for photos and driver’s licenses. Surprisingly, there was no line for driver tests. Our number was the first one called. We submitted all the requisite paperwork and my son’s original birth certificate with the raised seal and original Social Security card (not laminated!), and the DMV lady stamped and marked and Xeroxed all sorts of things.

My son didn’t have any problem with the vision test, especially after the woman made the rest of the line appear for him to read off aloud. He then was sent to a computer terminal to take the written test, and I was sent back out into the waiting room. There was a sign next to the computer terminals that said: “You may not use your cell phone while taking the written test.”

I wasn’t sure how many questions were on the test, or how many you could miss and still pass. But I figured it couldn’t really be all that hard. I mean, look at all the nimrods that are out driving the roads of Pennsylvania!

A while later, my son came out into the waiting room. I couldn’t tell from his nonchalant teen expression whether he had passed or not. So I asked him. He said yes, he had gotten 15 out of 18 correct and that was passing. Thank God!

I had to write a check and sign a form and then we had to go back out in the waiting room until they called his name again, so he could get the actual permit.

He called his dad on the way home to let him know he had passed. His dad wanted to know if I had let M drive home. I said, absolutely not! He had never driven a car before, as far as I knew (although I knew his dad and uncles had let him drive around a driveway or back out of a garage a few times), and I was certainly not going to let him drive home on a busy highway! What kind of a mother would I be?

While I knew that M would probably get some driving time and experience with his dad over the summer, I also thought he should get a chance to drive on the day he got his learner’s permit. I mean, it is kind of a rite of passage.

And the rules are different now. When I was growing up, you could get your learner’s permit and then take the actual driver’s test, if not on the same day then at least very soon afterwards. Now you have to wait a minimum of six months after you get your permit, and you have to log at least 50 hours of driving time with your parent or other adult who is over the age of 21.

And we had driver’s ed in high school. And everyone took it. There was a classroom portion and a driving portion. They don’t offer that any more. Something to do with insurance or liability costs or some stupid excuse. A friend of mine living in Virginia, though, told me her daughter had driver’s ed as a health class. Makes sense to me! What could have more to do with your child’s health and well being as a teenager than being properly taught how to drive a car?

Anyway, my son could take driver’s ed at a local community college, for a rather large fee. But how would he get there when he can’t drive and I am at work? And it conflicts with other activities?

I wanted to give M his first driving lesson, but I wasn’t really sure what a safe place might be. I couldn’t think of any nearby abandoned parking lots. As I was walking around the cemetery that afternoon thinking about all of this, I realized I could bring him to the cemetery! It has real roads and turns and stop signs but no through traffic. In fact, most of the time, no cars at all.

Now, you might think it somehow morbid or bizarre to take someone to a cemetery to learn how to drive. But we live near this cemetery and go walking around it all the time. It is up on the side of the hill overlooking the town where we live and the river. It is quiet and peaceful and beautiful. And virtually traffic free.

I drove M up to the cemetery, parked on a flat stretch, turned off the engine, pushed back my seat, and handed the car keys to him. “Now, it’s your turn,” I said. We switched places.

The first thing he did, after adjusting his seat some more, was to put on his seat belt. Good job! Then I told him how to adjust all the mirrors. He wanted to know where the lights were. I showed him, but told him I was more concerned at the moment that he know where the turning signals were and how to use them.

He knew where the gas and brake pedals were. I showed him the rest of the panels and gauges. He then started up the car, put it into drive, and took off the parking brake. We were off!

At about ten miles per hour. Which was fine with me. Since he had never really driven a car before. I told him each car was different, and some had more sensitive gas and brake pedals than others. And you just had to practice and get used to them. He said it was almost like driving a golf cart. (Which he has driven maybe once before in his life!)

He had no problem going straight, but then we had to make a turn. I had him practice putting on his turning signal first before each turn. He said, “Oh, that’s going to be a hard thing for me to remember.” And we drove all around the cemetery.

Up and down hills, around bends and curves. Stops. Left and right turns. Parking. Et cetera. It was a great first lesson. I remained remarkably calm, even when he seemed to be way too far on the right side of the road. I asked him questions about what he thought he should do next. I kept giving him choices: “OK. We are coming to an intersection. You can either go straight or turn left. What do you want to do?” I think that helped because it gave him more control about where he wanted to go and what skill he wanted to try next.

I thought the lesson lasted about an hour, but it was really only about fifteen minutes! We did not see any other cars. Which was probably a good thing. M did fine. If anything, he was driving too slowly. But that’s OK. I would rather see him be a bit overly cautious as he is first learning to drive than the other way around. Plus, the speed limit was only 20 miles per hour anyway.

I am not sure what M thought about his first time driving, but I personally found it a very moving, life altering experience.

To be in a car, teaching my son, who is almost a man but who was just a little baby not so very long ago, to drive a car.

Wow.

Beep beep'm beep beep yeah....