You can't spell "gray" without "gay"

One of my pet peeves is when my kids use the word “gay” in a derogatory way. Many teens – and even preteens -- do this, I know, but it bothers me. My kids tell me they are not being homophobic, rather they are using the third definition of the word “gay.”

My older son informed me that gay has three meanings: Gay as in “happy”; gay as in “homosexual”; and gay as in “stupid.”

I tried to tell them that there was no third definition. That by giving “gay” a definition of “stupid,” they were, in fact, turning “gay” (or homosexual) into a pejorative word -- as in, if someone is gay, he or she must be stupid.

My children vehemently disagreed with me. They said they knew which meaning they were using and they were not against people being gay. And everyone knew what meaning they meant.

Sigh.

But how did this so-called third meaning originate? Surely, it was meant in a pejorative way when people started using it that way. I think that is what bothers me. Plus, it seems thoughtless, or at least spoken without any thought.

My children probably are not associating the word “gay” with “homosexual,” when they are saying things like, “That is so gay!” They are probably using the word in this way because they hear others around them using it, and they feel it is just another way of saying “stupid” or “lame.” And so many things are stupid, lame, retarded, and… gay to teenagers.

At the same time, I have to wonder how their friends (who might be gay – and I am sure there are some) or their teachers (who might be gay – and again, I am sure there are some) feel when they hear others so casually toss around this word in a negative way. “Gay” did not used to mean homosexual either. But now it does. In fact, I have a feeling that the word “gay” is embraced by the gay community far more than “homosexual” is.

I realize that language changes over time; that is part of the nature of language.

But when we use words carelessly and without any thought to how they might make others feel, I find that troublesome. I am sure that using the word “retarded” might offend people who know someone who happens to be retarded or have Down’s syndrome. And the word “lame” might be hurtful to people who are physically disabled. Where do we draw the line?

The other day my son called someone a “faggot” because that person didn’t like physics, a class my son had recently signed up for and was looking forward to.

I said, “I really don’t think someone not liking physics makes him homosexual.”

“No,” my son sighed, “I mean ‘faggot’ like a stupid or retarded person.”

“Well, he can still dislike physics and not be retarded.”

“No. He is a faggot. Period. And I am not saying he is gay.”

“Yeah, but when you use words like that, it is being demeaning to gay people.”

“No, it’s not. I am using the third definition of ‘gay’ that you find in the Oxley Dictionary.”

Huh?

“What’s the Oxley Dictionary…?” I asked.

“I dunno.” He shrugged. “I just made it up.”

I told my younger son about this, and he said, “Wow! That was clever. Mixing the Oxford Dictionary with the Quigley Dictionary.”

My older son and I looked at him. “What’s the Quigley Dictionary?”

“I dunno.” My son looked puzzled. “Isn’t that the name of a famous dictionary?”

“God, you are so gay!” his older brother said.

Well, there is no Quigley Dictionary, that I know of. There is, however, an Oxford Dictionary, the Oxford English Dictionary, to be precise.

And, believe it or not, the OED does include the “third” definition of gay that my older son so earnestly suggested:

slang (chiefly U.S.) (sometimes considered offensive). Foolish, stupid, socially inappropriate or disapproved of; ‘lame’.

The OED, in fact, lists eight different definitions for the adjective “gay,” with multiple sub-definitions -- not just three. But it does include gay as in “happy” and gay as in “homosexual.”

I was surprised to see the contemporary, slang version included in a dictionary as venerable as the OED. Although the definition does say (in parentheses, at least): “sometimes considered offensive.”

It does not say that it is sometimes considered offensive because another meaning of the word “gay” is homosexual, and gay people might take umbrage with being called foolish, stupid, socially inappropriate or disapproved of just because they are homosexual. Even if that is not what people “mean.”

What do people mean? And are they truly not being mean?

Perhaps we should be more conscious in general of the terms we use and why we use them. I know that I use the word “retarded” to mean stupid, and that is probably rather thoughtless of me.

I do not use “gay” to mean stupid or lame. But that is probably because it has a different meaning for me.