Let her

I would write this as a letter.

Only no one writes letters anymore.

Pity.

I would call someone up and confide in him or her.

But I hate talking on the phone.

Of course, both venues imply there is actually someone out there I could write to or call. And I cannot imagine one person on this planet whom I could write to or call up and just talk to.

And say…

"I think there is something really wrong with me."

Not just your ordinary weirdness. I mean, I know I am weird.

I am talking “wrong.”

It is not the events or circumstances of my life that are overwhelming me. It is something far different.

I cannot keep or maintain a positive, upbeat attitude or approach to life. Even if I want to. Even if I try to. And Lord knows, I try!

This comes and goes.

Sometimes I feel fine. Sometimes I feel manic. Sometimes I feel about as low as low can be.

And none of these feelings has anything to do with what is going on in my life. I mean, my life goes on. Nothing traumatic has to happen or change for my moods to wildly fluctuate. I cannot relate it to anything in particular. Some people suggest PMS, others astrology and the passing of some planet in front of or behind another. I myself can discern no pattern.

Sometimes I feel fine. And other times, like now, I feel as though I am being pushed and pulled and smooshed and suffocated.

I used to think: “And this too shall pass.”

And it usually would. And maybe will. Probably will.

But I cannot tell when or for how long I am going to feel this awful inside. And the whole time I am just supposed to go on doing and being all the things I am always supposed to be doing and being. Like nothing is wrong. Like everything is fine.

At the same time, in the grand scheme of things, nothing is wrong. Everything is fine.

The world keeps going, moving, regardless of whether I feel good or bad.

I want to be the person who sees the glass as half full. Hell, I want to be the person who sees the glass as three quarters full even when it is only one quarter full. I am at heart an idealist. An optimist. I want to trust others, always. I want to believe that people will do the right thing, even if they prove time and time again that they never do the right thing, simply because it is right to do the right thing. I believe that man is naturally good.

I do not believe in the devil. I do not believe in hell.

I want to believe in God. Even if there is no God.

I need there to be meaning in life. I need there to be meaning in the universe. Even if there isn’t.

I cannot tell people these things. I cannot tell people the huge, heavy, black darkness that pervades my every waking moment.

It comes, it goes. But I always know it is there.

I cannot tell people much of anything. Real.

No one wants to hear it anyway.

There is nothing horribly wrong or bad about my life. I keep telling myself I have so many things to be thankful for, to rejoice in. And I “know” I do. But I can’t always perceive the world through that lens.

Even if I want to.

There are so many people in this world who suffer because they have no home, no food, no family or friends. They live in war, they live in chaos. They have nothing.

How can I EVER complain? Ever, ever, ever, ever???

I cannot.

And I am not complaining about my life.

I am just saying that I feel despair, hopelessness, pain. That never really goes away.

Maybe tomorrow I will not. Maybe next week I will not. Maybe next year I will not.

I don’t know.

All I know is that sometimes I feel fine. And other times I do not. And it seems to have absolutely no relation to what is going on in my life. I cannot make this feeling go away. I cannot will myself to feel differently. I cannot control how I feel.

I am sure it is a sign of weakness as a human being that I cannot push it down, aside, and out of the way.

I do push it down, aside, and out of the way. Only it never goes away. At least not for very long.

Tomorrow I may feel fine. Jolly. All right with the world. And then I will read these words and feel embarrassed. Ashamed. Horrifeid. I will think, how could I have felt so awful yesterday and feel so great today? Especially when nothing in particular has changed?

I don’t like to feel this way. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t know how to make it go away. I just hope and pray that it will, at least for a while, even though I know it will eventually come back again.

I think I will go cook dinner now.