Sibyl

“My car is gay.”

“Sorry?” Kaitlin pushed her loose hair back behind her ear and took a sip of wine.

We were sitting on the floor of Kaitlin’s living room, finishing off a bottle of pinot noir. Rad had gone to a Middle School dance and was spending the night at Boo’s.

“I read this article the other day about how certain cars are, you know… gay,” I said.

Kaitlin laughed. “That doesn’t really make sense, Sib.”

“Yeah.” I sighed. “I think it actually said some cars have a reputation for belonging to gay people. Or some people think certain kinds of cars are owned by gay people. Or something like that. Subaru Outback station wagons were the biggest offenders, wouldn’t you know. Seriously! I mean, I didn’t know my car was a ‘Lesbaru.’”

“Oh, Sibyl! I hate to tell ya, but I have a Subaru, too, and I’m not gay. I bought my car because it was cheap and reliable. Not because it could sing show tunes.”

“Very funny.”

Kaitlin twirled her wine around in her glass, studying it in the firelight. “Rad came up to me right before we left for the dance. He was all dressed up, hair slicked back, you know, and he reeked to high heaven of deodorant, Axe, and this horrible after shave. Peeyeww! He said he wanted to smell really good! He looked so serious, though. And he said – all quiet and confidential and all: ‘Mom, I’m a man now.’”

“That is too funny!”

“Yeah, well, before you know it, he’ll be having sex and getting married and having babies of his own.”

“O.K., he’s like twelve.”

“I know. But I remember when he was a baby. I used to dance with him in my arms to the soundtrack of The Sound of Music. It always calmed him down and put him to sleep.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. And I used to sing along as we were dancing.”

“But you can’t sing….”

“Exactly.”

I knew Kaitlin was kind of upset about Rad’s going to the Middle School dance. It was his first school dance, and the first time he had ever asked a girl anywhere. Kaitlin didn’t want to let on, but I knew she felt sad, bereft, lonely. Old even. I thought the gay car thing might have gotten her mind off it. That and the wine.

“Should we finish this off?” Kaitlin held up the wine bottle, trying to discern how much, if any, was left.

“Sure.”

Kaitlin tossed her hair back over her shoulder and winked at me. I felt a small jolt of electricity pass through my stomach. Maybe I shouldn’t drink any more wine….

“Are you sure you bought your Subaru because it was cheap and reliable?” I couldn’t believe I was actually asking her that.

“What do you mean?” She emptied the bottle into my glass.

“Nothing.”

“Oh, no. You can’t do that.” Kaitlin sat up straighter and set the empty bottle on the carpet.

“Do what?”

“Ask a question that doesn’t make sense and then change the topic.”

“I miss Esther,” I said softly.

“Oh, hon’, I know.” She touched my arm. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah. It’s just, you know, it’s been so long. She’s been… gone for five years. Five years, Kaitlin.” I felt tears starting to well up in my eyes and shook my head. I wasn’t going to go there.

“I know.”

“No, you don’t, Kate. I miss Esther, yes. I always will. But, Christ, Kaitlin, it’s been five fucking years since I’ve been physically intimate with… anyone.”

“Oh.”

“That’s a long time.”

“Yes.”

“It bums me out sometimes, you know. I mean, what if I never have sex again as long as I live? Do you have any idea how depressing that is?”

“Well, actually, yeah. I mean, I haven’t been with anyone since Jason and I separated.”

In light like this, Kaitlin was particularly beautiful. Normally, I wasn’t attracted to straight women. I mean, what was the point? But sometimes Kaitlin would move a certain way or make a certain expression and I would feel something. And then be all weirded out.

“Are you sure you are straight, Kaitlin?” I asked her suddenly.

“What?” Kaitlin seemed surprised.

“Nothing. It’s just that sometimes I – you know. It’s just that you drive a Subaru. It’s like you’re trying to drive us poor dykes astray….”

Kaitlin smiled warmly and blushed.

“Sibyl, I love you to death. But my choice in automobiles is strictly financial. Hell, if I could pick any car in the world, I would probably get a… um… a Mini Cooper.”

“Aaahhh! That’s another gay car!”

“I know.” Kaitlin laughed. “I saw that article, too. I was just, you know, pulling your leg.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”